i don't know..

i feel like i been writing a whole bunch of sad things on here, but i don't know what else to write. it's my way of getting it out, i guess. it's not that i'm overly depressed about anything. i just haven't felt excitement lately. probably bc i always have something stuck in my head that i expect to happen, but something always trips it up and i just end up feeling disappointed. i just haven't been good with adapting to changes of plans lately; i usually can handle little changes, but even that has been problematic for me. i think once one thing goes wrong, then every little thing after just starts making it worse and worse. also i feel like i don't get as much attention from billy as i want. now that school's started, i kno we wont be seeing each other as much, and i'm scared that we'll start drifting apart. i kno this is irrational of me to say, but i can't help how it, especially with everything going on in my life. it doesn't help that when i'm at his place he's always distracted with something else, whether it be sports, his roommate, games, him always texting people. i kno that it's too much to ask for ALL his attention everytime i'm there, but it'd be nice if he did pay me more attention.

ugh...i hate being like this.

ill at ease

these past couple of days i haven't been feeling very well. well, i know that i wasn't feeling well the other day bc i was hungover from my birthday run, but today i just dont feel the same as normal. i think that maybe i'm kinda dehydrated, and maybe that's why i been feeling crappy. i've been drinking lots of water today, but i feel like it's juss going through me, and i still feel kinda crappy. i don't know what to do. maybe i'll be better tomorrow if i juss keep drinking lots of fluids. i juss hope that i'm not like this anymore by the time school starts bc that would just be horrible. i can't stand feeling like this all the time.

finally 21!

so i'm finally 21 and i got to spend my birthday with baberz at the pearl jam concert :D it was super good, def not what i was expecting..not that i had much to go off since i never listened to their music like i said i was going to hehe. but yah, i thought it was super good, and now i can cross off, going to a huge concert, in my bucket list. i did not drink at all on my actual birthday which i thought was kind of odd at first bc i used to be a huge partier and i thought that i would've gotten super wasted on my birthday, but i didn't, and it didn't seem like that big of a deal that i didn't which makes me feel good about myself :)

i'm gonna be having a 21 run though, i'm kinda scared. i haven't been drinking heavily at all for months so i know it's not gonna take much to get me plastered. hopefully i don't get too messed up too fast, bc i do want everyone to have a good time as well.

9 months

it's been 9 months since we've been official. time sure has gone by quick. we've had some ups and downs, but we've worked through most all of them. lately i've been a bit insecure about where i stand with him, and maybe i still am a little, even though i know i shouldn't be. i just feel like he forgets i'm around him sometimes and then i feel left out. it's partly my fault tho bc i don't say anything until last minute, but still, i don't know. i get over it bc he always makes it up to me, and i'm happy for that, but sometimes i wish he didn't do things like that so that he didn't have to make it up to me, but no relationship is that perfect, so i'm not gonna complain. i'm glad that our relationship is as good as it is bc i know some people who have it harder. and that is why, i'm glad we could spend so much time together, and that we had a great day yesterday celebrating our 9 months. i know we'll have more wonderful days ahead of us, and i can't wait for it all. as for the not so great days, those'll juss be overshadowed by the wonderful ones..i can feel it :)

happy 9 months baberz :D

life

it's been up and down these past couple weeks. i been sick for the past week. i've also been very insecure about myself when it comes to billy. we had a talk the other day about him and us and i think that just made me a little more insecure, but i'm getting better about it. i just really want to help him out as much as i can, but i'm scared that i might fail at it. i hope he can open up to me more so that i know what to do to help him. as for my life in general, i think that i need to open up to him as well, and not be afraid to bring anything up to him. also, i needa get out of this sickness business bc it's really killing me being this way all the time. school's gonna be starting up soon, i'm kinda nervous, but i'm sure i'll get through it juss fine....juss gotta keep my eye on the prize. hopefully this up coming year will be filled with as many great memories as this year and much more.

home

for the rest of summer. it's alright so far. haven't really done much because there really isn't much to do. i been sleeping a lot though, mostly bc i'm so tired from having to wake up early for work now. i don't mind being at home, since i get to spend time with the fam bam, but i miss billy lots....sigh....lots and lots..

work

i worked my first open to close day. soooo tired. i had to stand for the majority of the 8 1/2 hours that i was there. made a couple mistakes, but noting too horrible. billy got to come and have lunch with me on my break. saw matt and kassey there haha..that was funny bc i thought billy was with matt, but they came to the hospital separately lol. i had fun tho...got to hang with nikki a couple times and also made myself 2 blackberry italian sodas hehe.

all-in-all i think this is a great way to start out as far as jobs go. having weekend shifts helps me get used to doing everything without being thrown into a busy day right away. i'm kind of nervous about working with one of the supervisor's during th weekday soon, but hopefully i ge through it unscathed hehe. well, it's time for a nice nap before i continue reading.